Henry Normal, co-writer of award-winning TV and film shows such as The Royle Family, The Mrs Merton Show, The Parole Officer, Coogan’s Run, Paul Calf, and producer of Gavin and Stacey, Moone Boy, Uncle and Alan Partridge, among many others, has written a number of Brexit-themed poems exclusively for Northern Soul. Here’s the first one.
CAKE (A poem with layers)
However you slice it
you just can’t beat it
So we decided to have our cake
and eat it
Fruit cake immediately sprung to my mind
Some chose Cheesecake of any kind
or the cake of the species Butterfly
then there’s the Eccles Cake – I call ‘fly pie’
French Pastries are too ooh la la
and given all the hoopla
we’d rather not a Rumbaba
Battenberg and Blackforest Gateau,
have both been rejected
so has Swiss Roll and Panettone,
as I’m sure you suspected
Madeira and Genoa are ruled out too
or anything European like Tiramisu
How to decide – flip a Pancake?
Surely a Chorely will stop the bellyache
From Welsh Cakes to Dundee
no-one could agree
3 birthday cakes have gone by so fast
Yule Logs have all been passed
Some have lost their Marbles
left with egg and flour on their face
and the nation’s still between
a Rockcake and a hard place
Potato cakes are popular in certain parts
why not widen the search to all manner of tarts?
Jaffas take the biscuit
You could scoff a Banoffie if you want to risk it
Predictions are like the weather
no-one can tell
Chances of a Drizzle?
not a Snowball in hell
No Ginger for a whinger
No Oat Cakes for an oaf
I agree we need to use
our Date and Walnut Loaf
It’s all left a bitter aftertaste
and a bad smell still lingers
Some try to offer Carrot Cake
Some stick with Sticky Fingers
Some even suggested, sort of in hope
we wash our mouths out with a cake of soap
A cake of soap
or a simple Sponge
or let’s not Trifle with cake
let’s have a Blancmange
Some just want the palaver over
and suggest a Pavalova
Some say they don’t want stuffin’ with a Muffin
they’d sooner have nuffin
I look to the Angels
before undertakers undertake
and pray we get to toast it all
with a Toasted Teacake
Some people have pointed out, and they’re not wrong
that ‘to cake’ an object
is to encrust it
with a thick or tacky substance
that hardens if you leave it too long
It’s certainly no Wedding Cake that’s needed
Do they do a Divorce Cake you doubtless shout
it’ll sell like hot cakes I remember they pleaded
Death By Chocolate maybe the only way out
I’ve come to the conclusion
the most suitable bake
given the confusion
is an Upside Down Cake
So what do you make of
The Great British Bake Off?
Short of necromancy
what’s your Fondant Fancy?
Henry Normal will be at The Lowry in Salford on January 25, 2020. For more information, click here.
